diesel died on thursday. i only slept for about 5 minutes that night, and i had a horrible nightmare. i was on a pirate ship. the old pope was in a chair watching a soccer game. he was hooting and hollering. behind his chair was a big pillow, with lots of kitties lying on it. there was a bright pink one with polka dots and bright green ears. i picked it up and held it. it was limp, like diesel had felt when i first got her at the pound sixteen years ago. i was glad to have found this little kitty, and then it started to have siezures. i woke up and didn't sleep again the rest of the night.

the next night i had no dreams.

last night and today i had more nightmares. early this morning i dreamt that i'd woken up. i know in the dream i had gotten in an argument with my dad over the phone. i was curled up by a wall looking up at two empty picture frames. but then i thought i'd woken up. and i felt something bony poking me in the back. then i saw a tall white figure/flash move across the hotel room towards the door. i tried to scream "look!" but i don't know what came out as i woke up shaking and shouting.

when we got back to the apartment, i fell asleep on the futon. i dreamt that i knew, somehow, about this coffin-like room. i knew someone was trapped inside of it, and that they were hearing horrible things, and that someone was coming to do even more horrible things to that person. i was trying to tell everyone that someone needed to save the person, but no one listened. they all went off to do something else. i decided i would go try to save the person myself. somehow i got tricked into going inside the coffin room. the door slammed shut and i started hearing the horrible things. i realized someone had tricked me into going into the room. i started screaming so someone would know i was in there, but then i realized they had all gone somewhere and there was no way they could hear me. and i doubted they would come even if they could. then i heard someone approaching the room, and i knew they had come to do the horrible things to me. i screamed louder, and then i woke up screaming.

the night after diesel died, avram dreamt she was sleeping on his chest, purring away peacefully. why can't i get to dream about her? i have never felt so tired in my life, but now i'm afraid to sleep.