several important-seeming dreams over the past week, but not enough time to write them all down. the following are the only two i remember now...

saturday i had a dream that i was trying to do something with avram, but he wanted to go to starbucks. when we went to starbucks, i realized he just wanted to go there to be with some girl there. i was watching her flirt with him, and i started to get not only very jealous but very restless, because i knew i was missing some kind of anniversary celebration at home. finally i got home, though i can't remember if i got avram to go with me. when i got home, i knew diesel would be there, and sure enough she was. she was so frail and skinny, but still very silky. it felt very real--sad but glorious to be with her again. but i only got to pet her soft back for a moment before she walked into the closet and disappeared. then i woke up, and remembered that it had been exactly three months since diesel died. and it was about the same time that she had her first seizure.

a few nights ago i had another dream that avram wanted to go to ireland so i could see an optometrist there. we got to ireland, and it was this very odd sort of disneyland-ized ireland. of course, in the same line of dreaming as several other recent dreams, avram really only wanted to go to ireland because there was some beautiful girl there. they were flirting, and i felt really awful that i was missing my optometrist appointment to watch him flirt. i disappointedly watched the optometrist close up his shop, and i sort of gestured to him to wait for me. he didn't. and i don't remember anything else from the dream.

i believe that all these dreams i'm having about avram having affairs or crushes have nothing to do with any actual jealousy of other girls. it has to do with a weird feeling i've had for awhile that avram is somehow not "mine" or not going to stay with me. some kind of insecurity like that. i think there is some kind of important connection between me missing an optometrist appointment--an appointment to help me "see" better--because i was caught in that insecure feeling.

as for the diesel dream, that was just synchronicity and grief.