many loaded dreams lately. here are four in reverse chronological order:

+ i was in ireland with avram and his family. we had either moved there or were staying there for a long time. i didn't want to be there though. we were eating and i felt mad at avram's dad for smoking. so i told him he needed to stop smoking because he is killing himself and it's going to hurt avram. something forceful along those lines, but told in a gentle way. he got very irritated, and said he needed to find something first. he got up and started storming around the house trying to find it, but couldn't so we all started helping him. i went into a closet and looked up at what seemed like two stories of shelves loaded with crap--suitcases, boxes, paper, all kinds of unidentifiable yet obviously unimportant things. i started to reach for something and suddenly many things fell on top of me. as i was pulling myself out of the rubble, i saw that much of the stuff was from avram and i's apartment. i felt despair and ran out. i took back a bike that i had borrowed and the people laughed at me for some reason for returning it. all in all i felt extremely lonely and off-coures and depressed there.

+ avram and i got married and were having a blast doing all sorts of things. at some point though, we were at a fancy dinner, and i looked at him and realized it was someone else who looked an awful lot like that magnum p.i. fella. i asked him how i ended up with him, and he said we had had some sort of ceremony and that i'd left avram long ago. i felt shocked and appalled with myself, but i figured that this guy had no evidence i was married to him, so i could go back to avram and no one would be able to catch me on it, since the only document saying i was married said i was married to avram. i found avram and we commenced our adventures. earlier that night i had had several other dreams about trying to fall asleep in this long dark room. i kept moving my bed around trying to sleep, and different things would disturb me. once my neighbor came by and tried to kiss me in my sleep, and when i woke up he pretended he hadn't. another time a man from work was talking loudly on a date with a woman i didn't recognize. my boss appeared looking wildly excited, and said i should be delighted that this man was with this woman. meanwhile, i noticed the whole building had been moved into a metal shed on a car lot.

+ i was in another lonely, foreign place that was very crowded but i knew no one and felt rather destitute. there were people i recognized, but somehow we had no connection. somehow i was responsible suddenly for getting briana somewhere, but i knew i couldn't do it. briana was running around and i felt awful that i couldn't take her where she needed to go. then my grandfather appeared. he looked very old and decrepit, but was still getting around. his clothes looked sort of hollow, and i couldn't see his face very well. i knew i wasn't supposed to acknowledge him or say anything to him. he said he was there to take briana where she needed to go. just as he was about to go out the door, i lost control and grabbed him. i cried furiously and told him how much i miss him. he didn't say anything, and in fact, i don't think he could even hold me. but i felt his heart starting to beat very strongly against my heart. i could feel it against his ribs, rattling, and the vibration would reach my heart. my heart gradually started synchronizing with his, both in rhythm and strength. that was that part of the dream, and then later there was something where i found a book that had been written by him or his father. it was about falling in love with some young woman, but not being able to be with her. i know in there somewhere it said, "and then avram and megan got married, but [the young woman] was nowhere to be found."

+ i remember this dream least of all. i was in my old house, in the entry way by the bar. i saw diesel come into the hallway, stumbling and with her tongue dangling out of her mouth. i ran to grab her, but i knew she was dying. i called out to someone to come help, and i saw avram in the dining room or somewhere nearby. he shouted that he was busy and couldn't come. i felt so awful and sad and lonely, and helpless that i couldn't do anything to help diesel. i just had to watch her suffer. i know that i also felt very angry that no one came to help me, especially at avram. there was some other part in the dream that i was outside in someone's yard. someone told me the cat in the yard was diesel, and i felt so happy. i pet the cat, but gradually i realized it didn't look anything like diesel. it was brown and big and short-haired and male. i felt very sad and betrayed.