a few dreams from the last few nights:

i had a plane crash dream, which i am beginning to think i have occasionally to remind myself that i need to surrender all sense of control over life and remember what i love. the only bit of the dream i remember was the minute the plane tilted uncomfortably. i was alone, or rather, i was travelling alone, and then i realized, "this is it." then everything was spinning and heaving up and down. i began to say to myself, while everyone else screamed, "thank you, i love you mommy. thank you, i love you daddy. thank you, i love you briana. thank you, i love you avram..."

last night i dreamt that my cousin died in a car wreck. he had been preaching or part of some sort of sports/christian evangelism tour. i told him i didn't want anything to do with that, so he left me in anger. then awhile later i overheard someone say he had died driving drunkenly through the night. i ignored the fact that i'd heard it quite successfully, and only awhile later in the dream did someone tell me directly that he'd died, and then i freaked out. i went on a grief rampage, and encountered my counselor, who told me that her dog had died. she said it was so important to her the way i had reacted to losing diesel, that she knew she could come to me to tell me how devastated by her dog's death. i think the dog's name was cinnamon, or something starting with a c. we cried and cried together.

i also wanted to recount a late night bizarre sensation i had before i had that last dream about my grandfathers. i was lying in the bedroom, not yet asleep but with my eyes closed, when i suddenly felt that there were these long whispy spirits moving about the room. they felt like giraffe legs and moved with the same sort of slow, dutiful grace. they were so long feeling that i knew they probably extended miles above, but somehow i also knew they had a big cartoonish eye in whatever place they needed to see. so i thought they were looking around the bedroom for some reason. i opened my eyes to see if i was imagining all of it, and of course, it was totally dark and i saw nothing. but it was a tremendously and oddly real feeling. at the time, it felt comforting, but now when i think of it, i feel rather creeped out.